Updated: Mar 12, 2021
The title wasn't going to be that, until it serendipity like hit the nail on the head for me as I began to write..
I know it was the name of a kid's show. But to me, those words. It represents healing, on soo many levels.
So much has been swirling round my mind, and there's been certain blogs I've had waiting to be written, ones I always knew I'd write. I just never knew why I even wanted to write them!
But these days, it all makes sense..
'The wound is where the light gets in.'
And to shine fully, it all needs to be embraced, shared and alchemised into some good!
I wanted to raise awareness and support a charity, that for the very first time had effected 'me'.
I realised last month when I first wrote about it, out of all the charity events I've ever done, so many, for pretty much most of the charities going, but none ever that directly impacted me.
Maybe then I didn't understand, want to share, or even accepted it was the case.
Many people leave the Army and sadly get PTSD.
But they didn't let me in, as I already had it!
I got to the final stage of my application in 2006 before I 'found out'.
I wasn't told by a doctor, or informed any other way, it was part and parcel of my decline letter.
In fact it wasn't only the first time I'd ever heard of it, but then I didn't even know what it was!
So, what is it?
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
According to PTSD UK, it's essentially a memory filing error caused by a traumatic event and can also affect anyone who has been exposed to one too.
Apparently back in the war days it was referred to as 'shell shock' and 'war neurosis' and I've just found out it was first documented in 1900 BC by and Egyptian physician, who described it as a hysterical reaction to trauma.
Here's a few of the lovely symptoms that can come along with it:
- Flashbacks. To the point of reliving, feeling, sweating ..the whole shabang.
- Distressing and horrible thoughts
- Oh those triggers!
Some symptoms may include avoiding places, reminders, keeping busy, being emotionally numb, detached or sometimes like a dam blur.
It might make you jumpy, on edge, difficulty sleeping, irritability through the roof and those ever so angry outbursts...
It might leave you feeling unable to trust, anyone. You'll feel shame, guilt, fear and those self-destructive thoughts that come hand in hand.
So why am I telling you this hey.. I mean obviously, I get it. Once I accepted it, it was then I started to heal, on all levels and at all points in time.
Once upon a time I wouldn't cross the road!
My Grandad would drive me to work some days, on the other side of the street, a stone throw away. For what seemed like an awful long year, I would just about start walking into my village. And it wasn't too long after that, I found the pub.
These days I don't drink and not because I mind it much, I just drank enough when I was younger to know it only made things worse. I wasn't healing, I was heading for total destruction.
I met a girl the other day and she joked about getting mad in 1-5 seconds and we laughed!
If you get it, you get it..
Don't get me wrong, triggers have been my healing focus for quite some time and it was only through facing them did I feel the benefits of healing and letting go.
A few years ago I wrote out all the horrible things that happened, I needed to get it out.
Like I said, I always knew I'd share my shit, so to speak. I wanted it to go away, but it wouldn't.
If anything it got worse until I hit it dead on.
While I wrote, I SHOOK!
I've had this experience a few times with strange and awfully beautiful healing experiences, and it is unbelievable to say the least.
You *feel* all that bad energy rise up, shake you to the core and leave! For real!!!
Inspiring quotes and inspiring people have been the thing that's helped me along each step of the way, in so many ways.
I'll never forget this quote:
One day, you'll tell your story and it will become someone else's survival guide!
This shit isn't just authentic, it heals, it saves and changes people lives!
..as well as your own!
Empowering yourself AND empowering others.
I've waited for this day, I knew one day I'd get there, get to the point where I could tell my story without being a blubbering mess! And ladies, gentlemen and muggles alike, I AM HERE!
I can now say, from my own point of view, oh yes you can!
You can heal, it's what you were made for!
The only thing is, you can't go round, you have to go through. But know while you do, I'm here cheering you on, praying for you and sharing that love, light and hope that we all find the healing we so truly deserve!
The thing about healing is it does take time, everything doesn't just go away, you learn how to handle it. Unfortunately while you may heal one trauma, you may experience another, or have a huge set-back, spaces in time which require reassessing and finding new coping mechanisms.
I may of healed trauma, but it is always about the journey and not the destination.
Along the rollercoaster of life, I guess we have to find a way to navigate our feelings, feel through our healing and let our light shine so others can find their way too.
So, enough of my dramas for today, here's what I want to do about it...
I'm going to walk.
oo, that nearly got me! lol she laughs>!
Why, Walk you may say!? doesn't everyone do that.. well, not all of us, or at least when we do we need to force ourselves, go with someone else or quite possibly wait til breaking point to wander round the park (Abney) and so instead, with my Teal bow, I will be walking to push myself out the house, past my own anxieties and to raise vital funds and awareness for PTSD UK.
The last few days I have had a dozen if not more, serendipity moments with the colour teal!
For a colour, it's blown my mind!
And it was only last night I seen the PTSD bow was teal too.
I couldn't believe my eyes, after everything that had already happened and how I was feeling, it was a big WOW moment for me!
In this more so recently burning of fire inside, this, owning who I am and what I do, unafraid of who doesn't like marmite or not, it's taken me to a way of life I only ever dreamt of.
Now I live it, this magical way of life, in so many ways, it's divine.
So the other night I made a new logo for my events 'party planning'/Kimmy Gibler eat your heart out kind of style and I went all in!
I didn't plan it to be teal, and yet within minutes it was there, all of it, just beautiful.
I've been so drained the last few days that I thought I'd share it all once I've recharged a little, so I can enjoy it more and handle it all too. I even wanted to (yet again) put this blog off, as I was worried it would leave me completely wiped, yet it's crazy how much more empowered I feel now already! The power of words!!
Once it came together (like it's pure magic when it's effortless, and effortless is true alignment may I add) then it was one thing after another.
Here's some to name a few..
I was like OMG, it matches my phone! how did I not click! lol
My phone, bedding, pens, pads, my wall!?
My blanket, my water bottle, my make-up bag, my ruler ffs!?
My vase, my shelving station, the present I got my mum, my snuggly pillow.. my what, I thought my favourite colours were pinks and purples, and then I seen that.. pink and teal, purple and teal.. two blank coloured canvases on my altar, one pink, one teal. Like it was waiting.. My Fairy cards, my Starseed cards, my absolutely everything!
I was so shocked it's like you would of thought it wasn't my stuff!! lol
And so to end the day picking up my new teal easel and spotting that the ribbon for the charity I was ready to help with my work, obviously, that was teal too! I was just blown away!
It might sound like a load of codswallop but let me tell you one thing, once you pass your millionth serendipity moment, you know it isn't a coincidence, it's pure confirmation!
While I have never fancied the idea of running a marathon as such, if it can be walked, with purpose and passion and love and light, well I'm in! All in!
I'm not just walking for me..
I'm walking for everyone who knows what I mean, who's been there in whatever form, whatever time. Those who have known someone and been there to support them, during their worst times. Turning the I in illness to the We in wellness.
And most importantly and above all, for anyone who feels like there's no way out, that you can't get past it, it takes time but you can get there. You can do more than just get there. You can go on to achieve self-love, self-acceptance and self-empowerment.
You can turn your pain into your power, you can rise up and you can soar.
One step, at a time..
Oh and P.S!
Abney isn't just the place I'm going to walk.. the word itself defines an instrument consisting of a 'spirit level'. It enables sight from another angle for the observer.
It's connected to love, freedom and creativity.
From a naming perspective it radiates courage and determination.
In Old English, it comes from the word 'island', arriving to our land in conquest in 1066.
There are many thing I've done in Abney Park that started as a dream and serendipitied together into phenomenally magical moments. And I guess why this last definition says so much..
The Abney Effect; an addition of white light, that perceived through the human eye shines a lot like a rainbow!